So I was doing my lonely emo whining to Val again earlier tonight. Then I attempted to do some homework, hung out with Anne and Hans and V, played some Terminator 3: Redemption, and went to bed. Couldn’t sleep until I could articulate my lonely emoness more:
Thanks to that March drag show where I was checked out, my self-confidence appearancewise skyrocketed as you probably remember. But then that situation died down and now I’m back to square one. I’m making myself hold onto the idea that I’m not physically ugly so that I don’t seep back into that self-defeating mindset.
But then I was remembering what a profound effect my vacation in St. Louis has had on me emotionally. And then I was thinking that I don’t regret that Kim was my first because things were so amazing back then. And then I was remembering the good times with Jackie. What I want is an enjoyed growing experience with someone monogamously like how these three sets of memories were (well not with Jackie) . . . but then I realized something:
Except for my half-sister Leslie, my cousin Cheri, my friend and second mom Liz, and my 10 year old cousin Taylor, I haven’t had a positive, lasting effect on anyone . . . that I know of. Except for these four people, I haven’t helped anyone change a mindset, grow spiritually/artistically/politically/emotionally, make a habit of standing up for themselves, raise standards, think better of themselves, etc. Except for these four people and my mom, it wouldn’t make much of a difference if I had never come into existance in this form. For Roian, Kim, Becky and Jackie, I just occupied time and attention and made a few laughs and sweet gestures. None of them have actually grown because I touched their lives. I know that I am excessively unique, but that doesn’t mean I have a lasting effect. I’ve been making a point to be a better friend and to be more upfront and honest, but I don’t have qualities that influence people.
It’s not that I’m unattractive, I’m just not profound.