So I was doing my lonely emo whining to Val again earlier tonight.  Then I attempted to do some homework, hung out with Anne and Hans and V, played some Terminator 3: Redemption, and went to bed.  Couldn’t sleep until I could articulate my lonely emoness more:

Thanks to that March drag show where I was checked out, my self-confidence appearancewise skyrocketed as you probably remember.  But then that situation died down and now I’m back to square one.  I’m making myself hold onto the idea that I’m not physically ugly so that I don’t seep back into that self-defeating mindset.

But then I was remembering what a profound effect my vacation in St. Louis has had on me emotionally.  And then I was thinking that I don’t regret that Kim was my first because things were so amazing back then.  And then I was remembering the good times with Jackie.  What I want is an enjoyed growing experience with someone monogamously like how these three sets of memories were (well not with Jackie) . . . but then I realized something:

Except for my half-sister Leslie, my cousin Cheri, my friend and second mom Liz, and my 10 year old cousin Taylor, I haven’t had a positive, lasting effect on anyone . . . that I know of.  Except for these four people, I haven’t helped anyone change a mindset, grow spiritually/artistically/politically/emotionally, make a habit of standing up for themselves, raise standards, think better of themselves, etc.  Except for these four people and my mom, it wouldn’t make much of a difference if I had never come into existance in this form.  For Roian, Kim, Becky and Jackie, I just occupied time and attention and made a few laughs and sweet gestures.  None of them have actually grown because I touched their lives.  I know that I am excessively unique, but that doesn’t mean I have a lasting effect.  I’ve been making a point to be a better friend and to be more upfront and honest, but I don’t have qualities that influence people.

It’s not that I’m unattractive, I’m just not profound.


Today was my first day working at Noodles & Company!  I was a little nervous since I didn’t really know anything and I didn’t know what kind of people would be working there.  I already knew Sheraden, a friend of mine who lives down the hall from me, and was acquainted with two guys there.  The assistant manager met me at the door and had me fill out paperwork, then she showed me around.  She was very thorough and my coworkers, including Sheraden, helped me out.  Meals are sort of an assembly line: the cooks cook the entrees and the front people arrange the entrees, appetizers, and deliver them to customers.  I’m a front person.  I reheat rolls, put together salads, bag to-go orders and deliver sit-in orders.  I also help clean and reorganize after busy spells.  After a while, things just started flowing and I didn’t have to stop and ask questions so much.  When it comes to this kind of work, I learn best by doing and, having worked 2-8 on a cool Friday, I did a LOT!  The manager, Howie, is a nutty little man who knows when to be strict and when to be silly.  The helpful assistant manager left about halfway through my shift, as did most of the cooks; their replacements weren’t as efficient or uptight so things slowed down.  It’s good that I learned early that that can happen, though.

My feet are killing me, my legs and back are sore, I’m tired, I’m sweaty, and I smell like a cheap attempt at exotic food; but I did enjoy it!  Tomorrow and Sunday I work 11-3.  I’m looking forward to parts and can deal with the rest.  After my shift, I went to the ice cream stand nextdoor and got myself a chocolate cone; I also bought Sheraden a cone since she told me about the opening in the first place and she has to work until close tonight.  I’m very glad to be working here.

Since Kim has decided she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore,
Sheldon is no longer mine at all. I miss that little kitten baby! Ohhh
I just want to squimsh him!!

I probably won’t be able to fall asleep until I write this blog. I
meditated to try to get it out of my head but here I am in the computer
lab writing a blog at 2 in the morning!

I admit that I am irked by my exes:

I won’t write about Kim because apparently that makes me untrustworthy.
Even more than I hate labels do I hate to be labeled untrustworthy.

Jackie lied to me a lot. I feel more pity than pissed-off-ness at her
because she is the woman “The Feminine Mystique” talked about (EVERYONE
childhoods, adolesences, etc. but she never grew out of it. I explained
to her greatly about what The Beatles and personal spirituality did for
me and I encouraged her so much to find her own supports, but she
declined. She lied to me about big things in order to keep me around
because I made her feel better about herself. Maybe that was an attempt
to make me her support (which I offered, but not to the extent of The
Beatles) but that doesn’t change the fact that she lied about very big
issues. She hasn’t changed, so I want nothing to do with her. I can’t
help people who won’t help themselves.

3) I was fine with just
being “meh” about John, but Kim hurting me re-opened some scars. He
lied to me about BIG things to protect both me and himself, all the
while telling me how he could talk to me so freely etc. He said he
feared me because I represented the truth to him . . . wtf?!? To this
day, I don’t understand that. But, for several reasons I won’t
elaborate on here and now, I haven’t talked to him since fall ’05.

I really don’t know if I could classify Becky and Ro as exes.
Ex-potentials? I dunno. Becky I’m fine with, though I get irritated by
some of the choices she makes. I still talk to her about stuff and she
talks to me about stuff and sometimes it’s almost like none of those
attempts at a relationship had happened between us at all. Not saying
that as a good or a bad thing, just that it doesn’t get in the way.

sets Ro apart from everyone mentioned here, though, is that I honestly
want her to find someone good for her. I want everyone else mentioned
here to have some lessons and to learn from them even though that would
mean that they would fall on their asses; well I guess they have had
lessons but they are still placing down tacks to fall on. As much as I
would like to be the good-for-her person, I have found a way to shut
off my jealousy with her: Probably the most important thing I learned
during Easter Break was to attach to the experience, not to the person
and not to the relationship (whatever that relationship might be,
basically anything beyond friendship).

I am not ready for the
codependence and long-term plans that come with hard-work
relationships. I openly declare that I am looking for monogamous,
mutual enjoyment of growth and that is all until further notice.

WARNING: the reason why I haven’t been doing Quote of the Day so much anymore is because I finished the quote book I was using!  My others ones are in a box in my mom’s basement.  So until I get them (no idea when I’ll be down there again), I’ll put Quote of the Day only when I find something that strikes me . . . and that I remember.

Lately, I’ve been learning the American Sign Language alphabet.  I know a few words, but mostly I spell out what I’m “saying.”  It’s work but I really enjoy it.

I’ve known several people with hearing impairment.  A family friend from my childhood lost most of her hearing after one of her daughters died (her daughter was 9).  And a close friend of mine gradually lost a lot of her hearing as she got older but relatively recently got a cochlear implant.  And then my therapist is hearing impaired but I don’t know the details.

I absolutely hate my education class (it’s about teaching chilren and young adults who have disabilities), but the times during which students with hearing impairment are discussed aren’t that bad.  I wouldn’t say that I’ve really learned anything, but I realized while daydreaming in that class that I would be fine doing art therapy with hearing-impaired clients.  And then I realized that I would be fine, when the times comes, with adopting a hearing-impaired child or taking in a hearing-impaired kid as a foster child (taking in foster children gets more and more appealing to me . . . but I don’t want to even think about having kids or anything like that until I’m about 28).

In that evil education class, some external speakers come in to lecture us.  We’ve had a family with a child who has Down Syndrome come in, some other people, etc. Today, the secretary of the education department came in.  Her daughter was supposed to come in with her, but she had work or something.  So instead we watched a pre-recorded movie of this secretary basically interviewing her daughter about growing up and living with a severe hearing impairment.  We were given copies of some form that had to be signed by a doctor for her to go to a special school.  I saw she was born in ’84, ok.  But then when the video started, the rainbow-colored alarms started going off in my head.  She was pretty obviously not straight . . . and pretty cute too.

And that’s when I realized that I would be fine dating a deaf girl or a girl with a hearing impairment.  At the Chicago Pride Parade, there was a large group of LGBT deaf people who proudly marched together.  Seriously, I probably would have gone up to talk to this girl had she been there and if I hadn’t had a thing to do immediately after class.

(that’s just random and adorable and has nothing to do with anything)  I want to learn more about hearing impairment and deaf culture.  I wouldn’t want a job primarily with hearing impaired people, but I would learn a lot and enjoy it.

So, um, god this is hard to articulate.

Roian is frickin amazing.  I’m not attached, I’m not waiting for her to fully recover from her breakup, and I am not pressuring her at all.  I am fine being just friends and, if she wanted to stop that and just fade away, I would be fine with it.  I am disappointed that she has not been able to add any romantic aspect to our friendship and I would be disappointed if she wanted to stop being friends, but that’s it.  If she were to change her mind and try to add a romantic aspect to our friendship as was originally intended when I went to St. Louis, first I would wonder why but then I would agree in a heartbeat.  But I’m not relying on that, I’m not planning on it, I’m not hoping for it: it’s just an unlikely possibility that would be nice.

My time in St. Louis taught me a lot and changed me a lot.  I cherish that memory and I am very grateful to Roian.  I’m attached to the experience, but I’m not attached to the person or to the relationship-ish-ness. 

There was this friend of mine in high school, Ryoko.  She had a huge crush on me, but I had not figured out my sexuality yet so I didn’t understand her feelings towards me at all.  We went out on one “date” which would have gone well if I had had some clue of what was going on.  After she transferred to some other high school in ’03, we fell out of touch until fall ’05.  We talked online a lot and it was obvious that she still had a thing for me.  Before plans for getting together could happen, I met Kim, well, you know what happened there.  Ryoko got a girlfriend shortly after and they broke up shortly before Kim dumped me.  About a week ago, Ryoko found me online again and resumed what was left off in fall ’05.

Ryoko is coming up here Saturday for the day.  I have no idea what’s going to happen, how to approach the situation, anything.  I don’t know how much she’s changed.  From her MySpace, though, it looks like she has not changed since high school (a.k.a. alcohol). 

If not for Roian, I can definitely see myself jumping at an opportunity for being with someone.  Roian upped my standards very high.  I’m grateful for that because I don’t want to be with someone just to be with someone.  If Kim wanted me back (excluding everything that has happened in the past month), for example, I would say no;  Roian upped my standards sooo much.  I want blunt, immediate honesty now, for example, right as whatever’s going on is going on no matter how disappointing it could be.   

I’m not looking for advice exactly, just for friends I know and trust to hear me out and help me clear my head (been doing this a lot lately!).  I have no idea what to expect on Saturday; I’m comfortable with telling Ryoko about all this when she’s here but not via email or on the phone (that’s not because of Ryoko, I’m just like that in general).  First I want to see how much she’s changed since high school.   Hell, I’ll probably end up talking to Roian about this!!  I feel bad to be letting down Ryoko after she’s been pretty much infatuated with me off and on for some number of years, but that guilt won’t stop me from doing what’s right for me.  I am lonely, but there is no way I could settle, not since St. Louis.  I just don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen in the very near future and being listened to will help me release that nervousness.