I’ve been reading “Schoolgirls” by Peggy Orenstein (sp?) and I LOVE it! It articulates something I thought was just wrong with me for the longest time: many girls value niceness over honesty.   They’re . . . we’re . . . scolded for being bluntly honest and unabashedly open about our opinions and we’re encouraged to nice up what truths we must state. Then this pattern grows into just shunning open young women and giving attention (positive or negative, it doesn’t make much of a difference) to young women who value making others pleased over themselves. With that exchange of attention, voila!, a great fear of appearing selfish or uncaring!  Something I still battle over.  Blah, stupid biased society!  And I’m sure that going to a stereotypical Catholic school that’s stuck in the Medieval ages just strengthened that bias.

I’m not saying, and neither is Peggy, that guys aren’t screwed over by this either.  They usually havne’t been taught to nice up their opinions, so, when they want to soften the blow, they don’t know how.  Young boys are rewarded for stating what’s on their mind, young girls for being pleasant.  So when they grow up and get together, communication is that much more difficult.  Guys don’t get it when girls get hurt (or hide their hurt, for fear of making things unpleasant) when they’re honet and girls don’t get it when guys get upset with them for not being shamelessly honest.

In any case, it’s still a struggle for me to  . . . Oh my god my wrists are tiny!!! . . . just come out and say what’s on my mind without fear of driving others away.  It’s not as easy as it seems to overcome 18 years of habitual silencing, 18 years of suppressing the nasty truth in order to keep things pleasant and then getting screwed over anyway.  Thanks to books like these, seeing others hurt themselves (and having hurt myself . . .), and a certain friend of mine, though, I’m fighting the habit. 

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Pirates of the Caribbean 3 pwns at life and anyone who disagrees is a n00b (though there is an intriguing, smexy n00b . . . )

I saw this with Lauren, whom I love, and we loooved it.  You know that I like a movie when I get so involved that I want to stab certain characters in the face and then I laugh when they die.  Or get all emo when rad characters die.

So you need to see this movie.  And if you haven’t seen either of the first two, see those BEFORE this one.  This isn’t like Terminator 2, which can stand on its own as a movie (which is actually how I prefer parts of series, but most series don’t have Johnny Depp as a pwn-tastic pirate). 

so . . . SEE THIS RIGHT NOW!!!! . . . WHY HAVEN’T YOU SEEN THIS YET?!?!?!

So I joined True.com and in your profile, you’re supposed to brag about your accomplishment(s).  Now I’m not much of a braggart when it comes to that (now with awesome bargain shoes, that’s another story!)  because not only do I fear appearing selfish, but also because I haven’t accomplished much. 

But I’m going to put here one accomplishment I’m forcing myself to brag about (on my own personal space and knowing full well that this doesn’t replace the fact that I’m not pleasant to socialize with after the honeymoon period of first getting to know me):

In one of my communications classes, the professor asked my relatively large (30ish) class, “Imagine this scenario:  you’re in a class smaller and more intimate than this one and there’s a really friendly older woman who participates a lot and sits in the middle.  After the first few class sessions, though, she moves to the back and doesn’t talk to anyone.  She doesn’t smile and rarely participates.  This withdrawn behavior continues for the rest of the semester.  Why do you think she would do this?”

The class was quiet so I rose my hand and, when the professor called on me, said, “Well, I would probably think she had something going on, like maybe someone close to her had become ill or she was going through a divorce.”  The professor exclaimed, “Wow, great insight!  This situation happened in a class I taught a few semesters ago and, sure enough, her mother was dying of breast cancer.  Who else here thought that might have been the case?” 

Not one person rose her hand.  They all said that they figured that the woman in the scenario was just a bitch.  Of course, my ability to give the more understanding benefit of the doubt didn’t mean that anyone in the class wanted to, you know, actually talk to me.  But at least I have the realization that there is something utterly positive that sets me apart from a lot of people.  Do I look down on them?  No; I just wonder at how so many people can suspect others – each other, in fact –  of malice without considering how different each person’s experiences are.

*choir of angels comes down from the heavens*

I was hired as a CA (RA) over the summer!  Free rooming! 

I’m still going to Pridefest, family reunion in Madison, seeing friends & family in Chicago, and hopefully camping.  This will just bind up my schedule a bit . . . and will save me a lot of money!

 

Tuesday is training and next Thursday is when I move down the hall.

So I’m 98% sure I’ll staying here (Alverno dorms) for the summer.  Reasons:

1) Practicality.  If I end up getting the summer CA job (free rooming), I’ll work less hours; less income but free rooming.  If I don’t get the CA job, I’ll work way more hours and have to pay for rooming; more income, pay for rooming.  It balances out.

2) I should have more time alone.  I don’t mean holed up in my room, I mean living alone.  At my family reunion last weekend, my cousin Phil (late-50’s divorcee) asked me about the breakup and stuff like that; he said, “Something I wish I had done when I was much younger was to learn to live alone.  While the divorce was happening, I lived alone for six months.  It was very tough, but I learned and grew a lot and I strongly recommend doing that.”  I should get used to living alone.  And then I had this thought process . . . which leads to

3) There’s this girl with whom I had been calling/texting, but then she stopped contacting me until EDIT: right now.  I was dissappointed at first, thinking, “Oh man, she doesn’t like me anymore.  What did I say?  Wtf?” but then I stopped myself today, “Wait, it might not be me.  She said that she felt bad for doing things that she knows I don’t approve of.  Maybe she just got nervous that she’s say more stuff that she feels bad saying.”  And then I had this conversation in my head:

Me: “Hey, what happened?  Why have you not contacted me in days?”
Her: “I’m sorry, I was worried that I would blurt out more stuff I don’t want to blurt out.”
Me: “Well I can see three options.  Either we can stop talking, which would be dissappointing, or other things could be talked about, or you could change your behavior/actions since you’re so ashamed to talk about them.”

And that’s when I realized with more clarity what sets me apart from a lot of people my age: I have a lot of self-discipline when it comes to drinking and sex and drugs.  And other things.  (KIM STOP READING NOW, IF YOU ARE) I realized when the engagement shyte was going on that I do NOT want to bring girl after girl after girl after girl home to my family.  I’m not worried about my family getting attached to one after another and then having to let go, I just don’t want them to have such lower expectations of me.  I love my family and nobody in it has brought home person after person after person after person because we respect ourselves enough not to go through people like that.  I’m not saying that I’m not going to date or that I’m going to avoid relationships, I’m just changing my priorities so that I won’t bring home girl after girl after girl (and other reasons).  Living alone to hone myself would defer this and other behavior that I don’t want developing.
   
MY MOM DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS YET

So I really like working at Noodles.  I like most of the people (but I love Sheraden & David ❤ <3), I like the money, and the work that I do isn’t bad.  It keeps me busy and passes the time.  It’s what’s keeping me here over the summer . . . and there’s also staying away from my mom

Noodles & Company Employment Profile

I’m rereading Black Sun Rising by C.S. Friedman and I LOVE IT!!!!

It’s been a while since I’ve picked up some fiction.  I should more often (yeay next Harry Potter coming up!).  Probably the most important thing in a fiction novel, to me, is character development.  I know that a book is good when I yell at a character for doing something stupid, get teary-eyed when a character suffers, feel pleased when a character does well or finally gets a break, or get pissed off at a character for being malevolent.  Getting upset over a fictional character’s experiences proves how well an author can write.  I knew that Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix would turn out to be my favorite Harry Potter book when I threw down the book and yelled, “Screw you, Professor Umbridge!”  And that was while I was working as a receptionist in a parish!

HAIRCUT!!

bwprofile

(if pic doesn’t show, here’s the link: http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g214/kleokriesel/mepics/bwprofile.jpg)

Ok so here’s what happened:  I was trimming with the 3/8″ attachment on my razor . . . which came off.  JJJJJJJJJzzzzz (that’s my razor sound).  Oh crapz0r.  So I got my friend Brooke to come symmetricalize it into a part mohawk.  Brandie (my roomie, photographer) and I had already been planning a drag photoshoot, so this accident happened at a good time.

mohawkish

(http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g214/kleokriesel/mepics/lookback.jpg)

I hated it at first, couldn’t wait for it to grow out and wore a hat/kerchief every day.  But then we did the photoshoot and then some of my rad coworkers were all, “That’s awesome, make it a full mohawk!” (NO!)  So I like it now, I’ll probably keep it but not with such shortness on the back-sides.

profilegrr

(http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g214/kleokriesel/mepics/profilegrr.jpg)

Basically, I’m too cool for words now . . . even more than before:

popcollar

(http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g214/kleokriesel/mepics/popcollar.jpg)