Quote of the Day: “There is not a sprig of grass that shoots uninteresting to me.” – Thomas Jefferson

This sums up how I feel about the beginning of the semester: http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g214/kleokriesel/Brandiejunk/Halloween3.jpg

This is the best start-of-a-semester I’ve had!  Best friends ever, super-amazing girlfriend, wonderful classes, great job, my own room.  Very few things could make this better (it should be free, Lauren and Ashley and other friends and my family should be within a 5 mile radius)

Fridays 9-1, I’m taking Psychology of the Family.  I LOVE IT OMG!  We basically have a loosely guided discussion about marriage, raising kids, gender/race/class/etc. roles, family, etc.  Expect weekly, in-depth blogs about issues, then!

I have a few friends in this class and one of them with a very similar parental situation to mine sat at the same table as me (Alverno doesn’t have individual desks, only tables).  We had a lot of discussion about marriage since we all have the same doubts and beliefs.  It made me rethink a lot.

No, none of this is moot point.  Though I might not legally be able to marry in the Midwest (YEAY IOWA) whenever/if this happens, I still think of a celebratory ceremony and that lifestyle as an option.

For a while, as you can probably imagine, I’ve been thinking over I’d ever want to get married, what it would mean, how I would approach it, etc.  No way would I even consider doing it anytime soon, but it comes up a lot so I think about it.  Both of my parents have been divorced twice, one of my aunts is divorced, another aunt broke off an engagement, another aunt never engaged/married, one of my half-sisters is divorced, two of my cousins are divorced, and then there is the population in general.  Where I am now, I really doubt that I will ever have a relationship that lasts until death (unless I start one in a nursing home or someone dies suddenly, but you know what I mean).  That viewpoint will probably change, but it’s where I am now.

I have never been proposed to and I’ve never proposed.  John and I mentioned it once shortly before breaking up and Kim and I talked about talking about it, both times as very distant probabilities (HA!).  I used to be rather emo about never having been proposed to, as though I was missing out on something or wasn’t worthy.  That changed when the Anal Warts got engaged; Kim has been proposed to four times and has said yes twice only to end them later.  When Joy proposed to her and she said yes and then I found out about the cheating, I instantly became relieved that I’ve never had to deal with a proposal.  I am definitely not ready for any of that, though I used to think I was ready to get engaged.  No way.

Now, I just don’t know.  Though I know that this view is greatly influenced by everything that has happened around and to me, I can’t deny that there must be some truth in it even just for the time being: I honestly believe that every relationship I have will end.  That’s sad, but it means I can enjoy being by myself more and appreciate the moment of now more.  Quality over length.

If I do get proposed to, I would probably say, “Give me a week to think about it.  Not no, but not yes.”  Of course, that’s imagining a far-off situation from where I am now.  I’m uncomfortable with that likely reaction, though.  I hate being put on wait even for more minute things and I wouldn’t want to put someone I love on wait,  but I don’t have to actually deal with it now.  I would propose only if I was ready and if I knew she was ready – also very distant.  IF I ever do get married, I do have a loose set of ideas about what I want to happen with what details and where, etc.

Whether or not I’m ever ready, I want gay marriage to be an option for everyone.  That is why I work for it, so that all consenting adults have the option.  I don’t think that the institution of marriage is dying, just changing and that less people will enter into it.  Change + less frequency =/= death

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Quote of the Day: “Sit in reverie, and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(I’m just going to go with Rachelle Donahoe’s and Brian Andreas’ art because I ❤ them and all words want to be written at once and I need to write a paper about my fave artists – these two – anyway)

I just got back from going out with Ashley a third time.  I spent the night, but I’ve spent the night on dates before (third date with Kim, the whole time with Roian, and then Jen but I don’t remember if I mentioned her here on xanga) so it wasn’t a big deal and, despite the teasing assumptions of my coworkers, no “hanky-panky” happened.  But it was amazing and I really don’t know what our status is but wow anyway.  Aside from me being happier and she being happier and having fun, I don’t know what this means . . . but isn’t that what’s really important anyway?  I put my foot down, though, when it comes to putting her before my closest friends, family, school, work.  She really admires me and says that she’s not going anywhere; I didn’t think that anything like this would happen for years, I’m still keeping a large section of myself from getting too involved.  I’ve learned too hard a lesson in the past, but I’m still enjoying all this :).

(Brian Andreas’ writing is difficult to read on a computer screen so I’ll basically translate) “I spent a long time trying to find my center until I looked closely one night and found it had wheels and moved easily in the slightest breeze, so now I spend less time sitting and more time sailing”

“She said she usually cries at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short”

“sometimes, she cries and has BIG, SLOPPY emotions . . . and it’s ok”

I found Rachelle Donahoe (the ones with more coloring and less words, more feminist) in a tiny little shop in Utah when I was 15.  I bought one of her cards to my mom’s disgust -all the better!  I found Brian Andreas (the ones with the scraggly drawings and writing) in Galena around then too, but his work can be found here in Milwaukee and in other places too.  I haven’t bought any of his work because the ones I really want are too expensive and I can’t decide on the cheaper stuff.  I haven’t found any other artists whose work I’ve so consistantly liked . . . aside from my cousin Cheri (http://artworksbycheri.com/) and her daughter, Taylor, who got me started on art in the first place.

“Death take me now & spare me the pain, she said – It was difficult for me to get that excited.  Get a grip, I said, it’s only aerobics.”

“I don’t know how long I can do this, he said.  I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said”

“King of Hearts idly playing a game of People”

“Woman getting a new perspective”

“Let us remember to be like cats … to search through the COLD house for that spot of sun and languish, without guilt-eyes closed, face upturned. and roll around lazily, letting SUN touch all parts of our bodies, brittle and frozen in these long, cold months. and remember . . . to let our hearts thaw out in the places where we can find warmth.”

“This is a giant block of whatever is most difficult for you to carry & trust me on this, you’ll carry it more times than you can count until you decide that’s exactly what you want to do most & then it won’t weigh a thing anymore”

“I used to wait for a sign, she said, before I did anything. Then one night I had a dream & an angel in black tights came to me & said, you can start any time now, & then I asked is this a sign? & the angel started laughing & I woke up. Now, I think the whole world is filled with signs, but if there’s no laughter, I know they’re not for me”

So I’ve been talking with this great girl, Ashley.  We’ve been talking for a few weeks and went to The Cliks concert together – I was comfortable and outgoing and had a blast!  Things are going really well . . . but I’m actually worried.  She’s said and done nothing to make me so nervous: I’m her #1 on her MySpace Friends List, we text and talk all the time, neither of us are seeing anyone else nor intend to anytime soon, she’s said that she likes me and can’t wait to go out with me again.  This is great!  I’ve always gotten nervous when I’ve connected with someone like this, but not as nervous as now.

Roian (girl in St. Louis, went out with her at the beginning of April) and Jen (went out with her in early June) both really liked me.  I really liked both of them.  We talked very closely and both of them said that they actually considered me as girlfriend material!  It just took our dates for them to realize that they weren’t ready to date at the time.  I was really disappointed both times.  I don’t want to go through that kind of disappointment again anytime soon.

I have explained to Ashley that I’m nervous because, around this point, I’ve heard, “Sorry, I’m not actually ready to date.”  She said that she’s not planning on saying that anytime soon.   But I’m still tentative about getting my hopes up.  I actually know very little about her relationship history, she said that she had a breakup in early March and she didn’t come out until after college (she’s 23).

There’s something else that has effected my confidence.  When I went out with Jen . . . I made a move to kiss her.  Nothing different than what I’ve done before – I’ve always made the first move because, otherwise, nothing would have happened.  She turned away.  That had never happened before.  I was weirded out, but then she said it was because I wasn’t smooth enough (there’s a long story behind this).  That’s what hurt; it wasn’t easy for me.  She felt aweful and apologized, but the damage was done.

It’s not that I’ve planned on making a move, but the certainty that I wouldn’t be turned away gave me confidence.  My sense of timing was complimented until that incident and I can’t trust it anymore.  I don’t have that certainty anymore and that loss has magnified my dating-related worries.  My nervousness has nothing to do with Ashley personally and there’s really not much more she can do without becoming a crazy stalker. 

I don’t feel that comfortable talking to her as in-depth about this yet.  We’re not nearly as close as Roian and I were nor as close as Jen and I were.  Part of that is because there simply hasn’t been as much time and partly because I’m not opening up as much, not making myself as vulnerable.  She lives in Waupaca County, a good 2 hours away; if she lived here I probably wouldn’t have so many misgivings and it would be easier for me to just go with the flow.  She’s absolutely fine with the drive and I’ve looked into the greyhound, both of us have expressed frustration with the distance.  I’m frankly amazed that things have been going so well.

We’re going to the zoo and then renting a movie thus Sunday afternoon.  Aside from all of the above, I am very much looking forward to it!  She’s excited as well.  Knowing that my nervousness is understood by my friends and hearing some feedback will definitely help relieve some of my worries.

Quote of the Day: “We had the sky, up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made, or only just happened. . . .” – Mark Twain

Yeah I really couldn’t sleep without posting this slew of post-emo-ness.  Deal with it, bish!

I knew when I started listening to The Cliks that most of their music rings true with the whole Kim cheating + lying situation.  I was worried that they would turn into what Fall Out Boy + Panic! At the Disco + Taking Back Sunday had turned into February-May: music that was what I was feeling but then only encouraged me to get more upset.  That music conjured up more anger while it was helping me process.  I was worried that The Cliks would be like that since I found them so shortly after discovering Kim’s cheating and lying.

But that didn’t happen, probably because I back them politically/socially soooooooooooo much more than FOB + P!ATD + TBS.  Learning about the leader’s, Lucas Silveira, personal history (a similar horrible breakup, accepting his transgendered identity, having two band members leave so I’ve heard) while re-evaluating my gender/sexuality beliefs was a profound and necessary enough coincidence to help me move on.  Finding new ways to question gender roles is more important than being pissed at your douche-face ex!

Rather than being only an emotional funnel or only good-sounding music or only both, they are a strong tool in helping me move on – and now, because of them, there is awesomeness, which is good.  Their lyrics, driven mood, power, clarity, and awe-inspiring political standing help me see that I am so much stronger than Kim is.  NONE of the scars I have from that entire experience have been caused by myself – all of her scars were brought about by her own hands.  I can stand tall with a clear conscience while she has only lies and regrets.  She has made her own cross to bear and, partly because she got a frickin tattoo, she will bear it the rest of her life.  This music and everything behind it is helping me see the past more clearly and also to move beyond it.  I wish I could say that I’m not mad anymore, I don’t know if I ever could stop being mad at her, but I’m no longer a victim and I don’t waste my time by being mad. 

Back in Style

You, you captivated me and you,

You infiltrated all

I knew that you trick and tried, untrue

. . .

You never meant a word you said

You know, you know

I never wanted it to be this way

I took your word, your alibis

Your lies, your lies

. . .

But now I run, I run. . .

I run, I run, I run

It’s so crazy, baby

You, you never played fair you were cruel

And calculated every

(move over)

Because I’m bullet proof

Nothing but misery, I tried

You told lies, you said I was beneath you

Compromise was sitting at your table

So go on, go darlin’

I’m back in style

I’ve done my time, I say goodbye

OMG the concert was AMAZING  AAHHH!!! lol

It was said that Lucas, the lead singer, checked me out.  I’m not gonna argue.  Ashley, this girl I’ve been talking to online for a few weeks, came and she brought her friend Hannah.  I wasn’t swept off my feet, but I’m glad of that; I really don’t want to get swept off my feet now – especially by someone I don’t know very well – because I want to keep my head on my shoulders and not in the clouds.  We got along and she’s cute and funny, most likely going to go out again and I’m looking forward to it.

The music was great, the food beforehand was great, the people-watching was great, and the company was great .

And I got my cd cover signed by the band!!!!!!!  Lol I told them they’d better come back to Milwaukee.  The concert was dissappointingly small, very few genuine Cliks fans like myself were there; most of them were in their late 30’s and were told to come by the radio.  I really hope that will change here, that their fame in Canada (where they’re from) will extend here.

They pretty much need to come out with another album right now (they only have that one album and a single, so the show was pretty brief), and come back to perform here right now.  And Ashley should come see that performance too . . . right now . . . and she can bring Hannah.

Ha I wore a shirt like the one Lucas is wearing in this pic *points up*!

I just got back from work and I’m tired and sweaty so I’m not gonna bother going upstairs to get my little quote book tonight.

Roian (St. Louis girl) is in a relationship with someone . . . and I could not possibly be more happy for her.  She’s found someone who’s there 24/7 and treats her amazingly, so how could I be sad?  I’m disappointed that it isn’t me, but I would rather have her be happy without me than struggling with me.  I wish her the very best, she deserves it.

Now for the main reason why I’m posting this blog: A few days ago I was thinking about how wonderful it is that I don’t have to deal with ANY homophobia at work at all ever!  But then I thought about the few customers who are friendly with the straight-appearing cashier (I don’t mean you, David) but then give me the cold shoulder when I serve them their food.  Of course, I’m not about to declare homophobia just because a handful of our customers act like I’m not there but other employees are.  It doesn’t really matter, though, since they’re out the door in usually less than an hour anyway!

There have been many times I wished that I had been born into the late 1960’s.  The changes, progression, activism, etc. seemed a colorful change from the comparatively calm late Clinton and very early Bush years (especially since I was a young teen who really didn’t know anything outside of SNL. Monica Lewinski doesn’t count).  But with the rise in LGBT activism coinciding with my coming out, I haven’t wanted this time change anymore. 

The environment for LGBTs is the best it has been since before Constantine (100 points to anyone who knows what I’m talking about!).  This past school year, for example, really only two students gave me a hard time for being a lesbian.  Were I alive in the 60’s, I’d be lucky to have two students support me.  Of course, things could be so much better, but I and millions of others are working towards that improvement.

 

I do have a lot of pride and some kind of LGBT-related topic (from legislature to dating) is usually on my mind.  If society was completely equal, I would see little reason for pride.  There would be less on my mind because less would need to be done and such thoughts wouldn’t be considered unusual.  I would go back to wishing for the excitement of the 60’s.

 

A few weeks ago, I was waiting for the bus alone.  I was wearing a red halter top, a thin black button down, black pants, and black heeled boots.  I had on jewelry and makeup.  This guy drove by and yelled, “FUCKING FAGGOT!”  . . . wtf?  Either he genuinely somehow thought I was a boy, didn’t know that the word “dyke” exists, or . . . why am I putting so much thought into this?  He’s just stupid!  Anyway, it irritates me that I don’t know how I can change douche-faces like him since he was driving by. 

I think it’s going too far to fire workers who say stuff like that, but I’m so glad that SOMETHING is being done in many places.  It is sad, though, that these times are considered so much better while people are still being ostractized, raped, tortured, killed, and so many authorities and courts are doing all they can to make life difficult.