Quote of the Day: “On sex: Unless there is an emotional tie, I’d rather play tennis.” – Bianca Jagger
I’m having an identity crisis. This identity crisis is apparently bad enough for me to take the time to sit down and write a blog when I don’t have the time to write basic emails! To those of you with whom I’ve fallen out of touch: the end is near! Give me two weeks please! I’m thinking of you while churning out papers!
One of my teachers spent one hour a few weeks ago to tell me that I’ve been doing my fieldwork wrong, my homework wrong, my approach to school wrong, learning wrong, interacting wrong, reading directions wrong, asking questions wrong, etc. Basically, everything school-related that I’ve been doing for the past four years has been wrong. It really shook me because I respected this teacher greatly and I had had her for great classes before; others adore her too.
While daydreaming last night, I was reminiscing about the vocal lessons I took throughout high school. My vocal coach told me that I had progressed further than any of her previous students. She told me that I started out with nearly no talent, but my hard work more than made up for it. She gave me a scholarship within her own vocal coaching program (the exact same Josh Groban took) and had never done that before. The only reason why I haven’t pursued singing is because I have terrible stage fright, I can’t sing in front of people because it makes me too vulnerable. Anyway, I was thinking about how someone who had been been coaching so many people for decades and who had seen it all in her life on Broadway spoke so highly of what a hard worker I am. And then the teacher mentioned above held me after class again to tell me that my life goals are wrong, that I’m still doing homework wrong, that what I want to do for my internship next semester is wrong, that my perception of myself is wrong, and that I’ve been functioning about school wrongly all along.
I thought this all over while closing at work tonight. I realized something I’ve known all along but hadn’t put into words or just hadn’t paid enough attention to: I don’t know who I am. When I think that I’m working hard, someone tells me I’m lazy. Whe I think I’m a horrible friend, someone tells me I’m a great friend. When I think I have a lot in common with someone, I’m told that we’re the odd couple. When I think I’m a terrible artist, someone tells me my artwork surpasses most of my classmates. When I think I’m an incompetant worker, someone tells me I’m management material. When I think I’m a great friend, someone tells me I’m self-centered. And so on and so on; I know to ignore certain people’s statements such as Voldemort’s, Jeanne Zilske’s, and Kim’s – they all have other issues going on that warp their perception. I know a lot of you will tell me that I should just go by what I think of myself, but you really don’t want to know what I think of myself. I can’t get an accurate view of myself alone because I’m my own worst critic. If I don’t know who I am, I can’t know where to go from here – I don’t know where “here” is!