Monday, Voldemort/Karl/my dad emailed my half-sisters, who passed it on to me, that he thinks he’s dying. His previous emails and letter for the past . . . his entire life have been long and drawn-out, taking about five pages to make one point. This email was different, it was just two Bible verses, a Latin phrase, and song lyrics all about leaving with Jesus. Even though he’s apparently in good enough condition to write an email, I think he might really be dying.

Many of you IRL have probably heard me say that I couldn’t wait until he dies, that it would be a big relief, etc. Due to the uncertainty, though, it isn’t a relief, it’s more like emotional turmoil. I feel like, by referring to him as “Voldemort” and keeping him at such an emotional distance, he became more of an archetype than a person. Now that it’s probable/possible that he’s dying, it’s like he’s turning back into a person; not just a person, but a father who was there, went crazy, and then left. I haven’t been sleeping well since Monday, when I also wasn’t able to eat well.

When we know that he’s actually dead (how we’ll find out is anybody’s guess), I will be relieved. And then we’ll probably go to excavate his house and go to court with the State to take Power of Attorney over his will since he didn’t live up to any of his divorce contracts. Right now, it’s depressing because it isn’t depressing: I’m sad about it because this experience with death, the death of my father, is so different from the deaths of my grandparents, cousin, and great aunt. When Gramma died, my entire family was there with her, talking and praying with her and holding her hand. And, at her wake, we shared stories about her. My experience with the death of my father should be something like that but, because he rejected his role as father, it can’t be. It was a relief when Gramma died because she was in a lot of pain, but it will be a relief when he dies because I won’t have to look over my shoulder everywhere. And I’ll be able to forgive him because he won’t be able to use that vulnerability to hurt me any more.

I do plan on writing him an email just for my own closure. And I’ll finally come out to him! If it’s too late, whatever, I’ll still have closure just from him being permanently gone.

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