Music of the Day: George Harrison, Melanie, Bob Dylan, “Piano Man”, “Swing Life Away”, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, The Darkness
Before I get into everything, I’ll just give a brief semi-warning-thing. You might think at some point, “Uh-oh, putting on a pedestal!” or, “Uh-oh, attachment!” If/when you think that, know that there are things I’m omitting out of respect for privacy and intimacy. And I’m pretty much pouring out everything that’s been festering in me for the past six hours (the ride back to campus).
The past four days have been amazing. Had so much fun and introspection and everything. I’m blown away right now. Ro is a stunning person and it is so sorrowful that she’s been through so much shit. I mean, I know many great people who have been through a lot, but the contrast hasn’t struck me like this before. I’m both gaining hope for and pitying people in general.
So we decided to be just friends; disappointing for me but I understand entirely and I’m so grateful that she was clear with me and would hear me out. So rarely have I felt so comfortable talking about so many personal things. Imagine a bright light; a light so bright and powerful that small, insignificant things get enveloped and no longer matter. Integrating everything I have learned and experienced over the past few days into myself has created a light so bright that things like regrets, grudges, sex, the details of dating, and other things people do to distract themselves – ourselves – just fade into nothing. They are below the basic connection of open, sharing people who combine their hearts and their heads in honesty and compassionate self-preservation and people who ENJOY LIFE.
Those of you who read my blog over the summer probably remember how I faced a certain emotional/spiritual dilemma. Wtf I can’t find links to it . . . anyway I was bemoaning how puny human existance is compared to the infinite existance of the universe. Everything we have created will be destroyed; I wondered what the point of doing anything was and I lost motivation for pretty much anything. Last night (and during break in general, I guess), while contemplating and talking about how humans lose themselves – ourselves – and hurt ourselves and barely survive, that blog started to come back to mind. There is so little I can do to help humanity in general, but I don’t feel so temporary and puny anymore.
For several weeks after Kim dumped me, many friends and family members were telling me stuff like, “It’s so sad that you’ve been through so much hurt!” I didn’t get wtf they were talking about, I didn’t think it was that big a deal. But now I get it. It is heartbreaking that someone so amazing has been run over so much. I still don’t think I’m that great (not by comparison, just in general), but I understand what those friends and relatives have been telling me now that I’ve felt it too.
It is overwhelmingly relieving to be learning to live with a wonderful experience rather than a destructive one; haven’t had to do that in a long time. I’m also taking great pride in myself for not turning into a clingy creepo; I’m attached to the experience but have no feelings of hurt (either receiving or wanting to give), possession, or even loneliness. Though I don’t want to get back to the heavy workload of school, I am grateful for where I am in many parts of my life right now. Both as a social being and as an individual, so many things that happened were things that I needed – mostly things that I would let myself have but also things I needed to hear from and experience with a benevolent, fun person.