Music of the Day: George Harrison, Melanie, Bob Dylan, “Piano Man”, “Swing Life Away”, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, The Darkness

Before I get into everything, I’ll just give a brief semi-warning-thing.  You might think at some point, “Uh-oh, putting on a pedestal!” or, “Uh-oh, attachment!”  If/when you think that, know that there are things I’m omitting out of respect for privacy and intimacy.  And I’m pretty much pouring out everything that’s been festering in me for the past six hours (the ride back to campus).

The past four days have been amazing.  Had so much fun and introspection and everything.  I’m blown away right now.  Ro is a stunning person and it is so sorrowful that she’s been through so much shit.  I mean, I know many great people who have been through a lot, but the contrast hasn’t struck me like this before.  I’m both gaining hope for and pitying people in general.

So we decided to be just friends; disappointing for me but I understand entirely and I’m so grateful that she was clear with me and would hear me out.  So rarely have I felt so comfortable talking about so many personal things.  Imagine a bright light; a light so bright and powerful that small, insignificant things get enveloped and no longer matter.  Integrating everything I have learned and experienced over the past few days into myself has created a light so bright that things like regrets, grudges, sex, the details of dating, and other things people do to distract themselves – ourselves – just fade into nothing.  They are below the basic connection of open, sharing people who combine their hearts and their heads in honesty and compassionate self-preservation and people who ENJOY LIFE.

Those of you who read my blog over the summer probably remember how I faced a certain emotional/spiritual dilemma.  Wtf I can’t find links to it . . . anyway I was bemoaning how puny human existance is compared to the infinite existance of the universe.  Everything we have created will be destroyed; I wondered what the point of doing anything was and I lost motivation for pretty much anything.  Last night (and during break in general, I guess), while contemplating and talking about how humans lose themselves – ourselves – and hurt ourselves and barely survive, that blog started to come back to mind.  There is so little I can do to help humanity in general, but I don’t feel so temporary and puny anymore. 

For several weeks after Kim dumped me, many friends and family members were telling me stuff like, “It’s so sad that you’ve been through so much hurt!”  I didn’t get wtf they were talking about, I didn’t think it was that big a deal.  But now I get it.  It is heartbreaking that someone so amazing has been run over so much.  I still don’t think I’m that great (not by comparison, just in general), but I understand what those friends and relatives have been telling me now that I’ve felt it too.

It is overwhelmingly relieving to be learning to live with a wonderful experience rather than a destructive one; haven’t had to do that in a long time.  I’m also taking great pride in myself for not turning into a clingy creepo; I’m attached to the experience but have no feelings of hurt (either receiving or wanting to give), possession, or even loneliness.  Though I don’t want to get back to the heavy workload of school, I am grateful for where I am in many parts of my life right now.  Both as a social being and as an individual, so many things that happened were things that I needed – mostly things that I would let myself have but also things I needed to hear from and experience with a benevolent, fun person.

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Quote of the Day: “Folk love being told things about themselves they already know.” – Joan Fleming

What do you do when your friend makes a big life choice and you think
to yourself, “Wtf? She’s going to hurt herself so much!”? What do you
do when your friend asks for your advice, you name the pitfalls you can
see and give her suggestions on how to avoid or lessen them, but she
goes ahead and makes a probably hurtful decision anyway? What do you do
when your friend makes a decision and you are both excited for her but
also aware that it probably won’t end well? What do you do when your
friend can see the pitfalls in front of her but doesn’t do anything to
avoid them?
I know the answer already: advise her, let her learn her own lessons and be there for her when she falls on her ass.
But I hate to see my friends get hurt, especially when they hurt
themselves, and then I can’t do anything to stop it. For once, things
in my life are going very well, but so many of my friends are not doing
well at all! I can’t enjoy this peace!! I need a vacation, which is
where Thursday steps in (St. Louis yeah!!!). It will take only time
for so many of my friends to fall on their asses and, hopefully, learn
not to do that again. I’m not saying that I haven’t made my share of
poor decisions; I’ve fallen on my ass too. Sometimes I have been too
wary of pitfalls. I’m not saying that everyone would go along smoothly
if they would just do what I say, but I don’t know how much I can
support one’s decisions when they steer right into a horrible crash.

I wish I could have a resume of life. I wish I could just type out a
piece of paper that lists recommendations, experience, how I’ve handled
negative experiences and poor choices, etc. This would certify that I’m
not scary, I’m not destructive, and that I really can’t stand hurting
anyone (and when I do, it’s because I’m very pissed off that someone
hurt me; usually I hold myself back until the anger subsides or I pelt
the hurter with questions. Really, as long as I have closure of some
kind I’m ok). But no, time will have to suffice.

Time sucks

I feel like Cassandra. Cassandra was a Greek prophet who predicted all
these horrible things like war and murder and other things but nobody
would believe her (she was cursed with this dilemma). I don’t want to
end up saying, “I told you so.”

Someone chopped my arm off, oh well I just won’t think about it

Someone chopped my arm off, oh well I won’t think about it

Quote of the Day: “don’t hold the sprout against the seed/don’t hold the need against me . . .” – Melanie

Most of you might remember a blog I made back in October about cheaters. http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=3648537&blogID=182315505&Mytoken=335F5935-62CA-42BB-B3CA17E6097CBD789312658

What do you do when your friend cheats?  What do you do when your friend assists someone else in cheating?  How do you prioritize?  I’m not really asking, this is hypothetical (feel free to actually answer, though!)

Looking back on that old blog, I generalized a lot pretty much.  That blog was somewhere between high school and late college mindsetwise.  Back in high school, cheating could win and lose not only friends, but pretty much the rest of your social high school career if word got out (as it always did).  Now, the different reactions of everyone involved and those who insist they are involved and those who are sucked into involvement have been exposing who’s where maturitywise, who’s a true friend.

If it wasn’t for my friends having helped me through the breakup so much, I probably would have been judging more harshly and would have found it easier to just distance myself.  My friends are so much more important to me now and I’m investing myself in them more; more stressful but I want to be there for them.

Quote of the Day: “THE MAN.  Can’t they realize that mankind was founded on two basic principles?  Religion and Death?  The one motivates the other.  Both motivate the man!” – Candice Bergen

Three blogs (well, one on preferred list) after a blogless week?  I know, shocking.

I had a Kali revelation today.  Kali is the Hindu goddess of destruction, destruction of demons and destruction of the old and destruction that opens eyes.

I was thinking about all the drama that’s been going on around me and how I have gotten out of a destructive situation only to observe others.  One friend of mine is trying to get away from a destructive semi-ex, another is trying to protect a crush-type from destroying herself by her own decisions, another is destroying herself but doesn’t realize it, and then there is a set of friends who are doing a dance around their own pool of destruction.  I’ve learned from my own and another’s experience that destruction is absolute hell, but strength grows from it.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Hmm, that sounds like me,” it probably is you.

I’m trying to warn all these people, “I’ve been there, stop what you’re doing or else you’re just going to end up hurting yourself and those who love you!  Learn from my example!  Learn from this person’s example!  You don’t have to drop into a pitfall in order to grow if you would listen to this advice and ask yourself these questions!”  Some are thinking about it, others are stumped, and others aren’t listening.

But, because they are my friends and because I’ve had this Kali revelation, I can be there for them when they break (break either as their own individual selves, break their worlds around them, or both).  I’ve shown you all my broken-themed art therapy, I hope that others will look and think, “Hmmm, I see how painful and draining that was, maybe I should rethink what I’m doing.”

I want to go to the Himalayas and tell Kali, “Hey, take a vacation!  Don’t destroy these people altogether right now so efficiently!”  But who am I to tell a goddess how to do her job?

Ok so remember the Mystery Drag King from a few weeks ago?  Well, she found me on MySpace!  We got to talking, her name is Roian and she’s 22.  She’s a server at a restaurant in St. Louis and performs drag on Mondays and Thursdays.

We’ve been talking for hours daily, texting while she’s at work and I’m in class, chatting online or on the phone in late evenings.  We have a ridiculous amount of stuff in common and want the same things in daily life, in the big picture, and in romantic relationships now.  A.k.a. not to jump into an official relationship, but to let whatever develops develop (monogamously).  We discuss spirituality, psychology, stories from high school, and comparing our childhoods.  She’s a silly, but we have helped each other reconsider views of our exes and negative people from our pasts (both pasts from years ago and pasts from earlier in the day) and to let go of them more.

So, I have Easter Break April 5-9 . . . guess where I’m going!!  My friend Anya has a longtime boyfriend in St. Louis and she will be driving down for break anyway.  I’m going with her and I’ll be staying with Roian.  This is pretty quick, yes, but at least we’re not engaged and claiming rare love like a certain ex (Roian’s ex did the same, Alaska and all!).

The initial, intense excitement is dying down but we’re equally interested in each other and I’m so looking forward to Easter Break.    I have no idea where this is going, but we’re both enjoying it now and we’re good for each other in our current states.

Quote of the Day: “Just as rivers flow from east and west to merge with the one sea, forgetting that they were ever separate rivers, so all beings lose their separateness when they eventually merge into pure Being.” -Chandogya Upanishad

Summer ’06, Kim came along on one of my family camping trips in Indiana. It was amazing, one of the best camping trips I’ve ever had. We went skinny dipping for the first time one clear, full moon night. I knew that I wanted to paint it as soon as we got back.

But school started and other projects started and I can be a very slow painter so I got this far. There is no way I’m finishing it now. And I don’t want to paint over it, at least not yet. It will probably just be rolled up and put into my ex-box with other things.

I actually created this half as self-art therapy about the breakup and half as an assignment for my painting class. I’m finished with the theme of brokenness, I don’t want to create any more pieces like this, I am done with the entire thing.  This, though, will actually go in my portfolio; having to finish it for class after I stopped feeling like this helped me detatch from it.

There is a great park, Jackson Park, right by campus with a pond. Brandie and I walked there a week ago or so and I decided to come back to paint.

At first, I wanted this to be very realistic and detailed, but then I saw the trees dancing on the paper and how ragged and simple it was turning out to be so I stopped. I was going to paint one of my goosey friends on there, but decided that could clash against the washed-out lack of detail.  The paper wrinkled, of course (didn’t have my massive pad of canvases with me), but I think that I actually like the effect.

My close friend Liz is a photographer and this picture she took inspired me: [link]

This took forever!! Layer after layer! And I loved it <IMG title=" (Smile)” height=15 alt= src=”http://e.deviantart.com/emoticons/s/smile.gif&#8221; width=15>

Thanks for taking and emailing the pics, Brandie-sham!!